This sketch was written for a tv show in Indianapolis that some friends of mine did. I don't think they ever used it because they aren't too hip to the blues, and they might have been afraid of offending someone. But y'all might like it.

[The scene opens on a wow, hip, with-it kind of set typical of wow, hip, with-it kind of music shows that don't have a clue. The host is a pompous little knee-jerk liberal twit typical of the music press. He looks and acts nothing like Kurt Loder.]

KURT: Hi, like, I'm Kurt Blowhard. Welcome to Hip Deep in It, the trendy, hip, and wowsville show that lets you feel and act like you have a real life. Tonight, we go back, rewind the clock, return to our roots, drive to the heart of the matter ... Sorry, I forgot what I was going to say. Anyway, the blues. Indianapolis has a long history of jazz and blues: Noble Sissle. Leroy Carr. Scrapper Blackwell. Montana Taylor. Yank Rachel. Wes Montgomery. Duke Tumatoe. These are just some of the names of Naptown's musical past and present that I've looked up in a book. This month, Indy's music tradition became even richer, to the point where you can't see a live show without going on a high-fiber diet. Legendary Minnesota bluesman and polka singer Blind Lemon Meringue retired to the city after seventy years as a professional musician and rodeo clown. I spoke to the great blues kazooist earlier at his Mars Hill home.

[Cut to inside his home. Blind Lemon Meringue (hopefully played by Chris) wears dark sunglasses and a black construction-paper goatee. He is sitting with his guitar in his lap. Beside him is a stuffed dog. Lemon speaks with the accent, tone, and inflection of an old bluesman from the Delta region of Mississippi ... or at least as good as a Mr-B-Natural-Wannabe from Columbus, IN can manage. In each case, cut to the person who is speaking, unless otherwise noted. I didn't want to waste time/space/paper etc. by continuously typing "Cut to X"]

LEMON: Ah wuz bone in 1901 in a lawg cab'n in Chip'wah Fawls, Wescawnsun. Mah daddeh wo'ked at de Leinenkugel Brew'reh dere as a sweateh. It wuz his jawb t' sweat intuh de vats uh beer t' give it dat good beer flaveh. Day was six u' us kids at dat tahm, an' Daddeh made some extreh moneh awn de weekend bah play'n' music. Daddeh weren't no bluesman, dough, he din't play no blues. No suh. Daddeh he play de harp. An Ah don' mean no harmon-ka, needeh, Ah mean Daddeh had one o' dem dere harps what dem stuck-up whaht women plays in ork-struhs. Daddeh'd play anythin': gospel, polkas, dance songs, mazurkas, spir-chuls, techno-funk, you name it, Daddeh'd play it. See, in dem days, y' played wut de people wawnted ya t' play, yunnerstan. Cuz you wuz a-playin' f' tips. An' if 'em folk want y' t' play 'em a sawng lahk "Tumblin' Tumbleweeds", y' play it fo' 'em, coz it wuz tuff fo' folk lahk us in Wescawnsun at dat tahm, an' we need de moneh. So Daddeh, he'd play enne-thin enne-where f' enne-body. Mostleh he play at dainces, fes'vuls, chu'ch revahvuls, an' cat drownin's. But th' year I turned fo', Daddeh wuz 'rested f' playin' ragtahm on a Thuzdee. 'Parntly dat were 'gin de law in Wescawnsun back den. An' cose, dat Mr. Leinenkugel, he wuz one o' dem dere Calv'nists, an' din't tol-rate no one who play ragtahm on a Thuzdee, an' no one in Chip'wa Fawls would hahr no Thuzdee ragtahmeh, so we had t' move up Nothe, t' Min-sota. Daddeh got hisse'f a job as a handeh-man at a fish'n' resort on Mille Lacs, raht outsahd a' Malmo.

KURT (off-camera): Your father died a couple years after that, didn't he?

LEMON: Yeah, Daddeh dahd in a walleye ax-dint. Momma neveh would tell us all a whut rilleh happen, and Ah weren't gwin' t' stick mah nose whe'e dey din't wannit.

KURT (off-camera): Why not?

LEMON: Cause from what Ah gathe'ed, dat was how Daddeh dahd, stickin' sumthin wh' that Walleye din't wannit.

KURT: Uh, yeah. Well, what was it like growing up in Malmo in a single parent household?

LEMON: Wail, Ah te' ye', we wuz luckeh. We wuz broke, but we neveh wuz po'. Y'see, deze po' kids t'day, day don't know what it mean t' wo'k. See, day's all deze kids t'day what's po', day got all deze here guvment people bringin' 'em checks jus' f' bein'. Back when Ah wuz a kid, whah, we wuz luckeh if d' guvment woo'n't spit awn ye f' not bein' rich. Nowdaze, dese he'e kids don't know what it's lahk t' havta wo'k f' a livin'. We din' get no guvment moneh, no suh. An' Ah don' think it wuz cuz Momma were too proud; hell, if youda showed Momma a Food Stamp, she'da jump on dat wit' both feet. But see, we wuz broke, but we wuzn't po'.

KURT (off-camera): I'm not sure I follow that.

LEMON: 'Cose not, you a Librel. Whut Ah mean is, dey was nahn u' us kids when Daddeh dahd, an' we all had t' pitch in an' he'p make ends meet, even befo' he dahd. I remembeh when we fus' got t' Mille Lacs, Ah wuzn't even fahv yet, but Ah had t' spen' all mah tahm wuckin' roun' d' fishin' camps f' moneh. Ah'd have t' go dig up worms an' roun' up crickets f' bait; mah oldeh brotheh, Deaf Banana Cream, he go dip nets f' minnehs and get dem leeches from undeh rocks, y'see. We had t' do stuff lahk dat jes t' put food on d' table. Even mah youngest brotheh, Limpin' Key Lime, whah, when he wuz jes a babeh, Momma'd rent him out as a doll t' de rich folk. We wuz broke as hell, man, but Momma and Daddeh made sho' we kids knew de value of a dolleh, an' made sho' we din' 'spect sumthin' f' nuthin'. We all had t' go t' Chu'ch ever Sunday, an' we din' go 'spectin' fanceh stuff lahk a coleh T-V or hunnert dolleh shoes. But dese kids t'day, man, dey got all dis Barney in dey heads an' dey lis'nen' t' dese radical ideas on reckeds bah Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey. Wah, dem people jes puttin' wahld Com'nist ideas in people's heads.

KURT: Now, it was not long after moving to Mille Lacs that you went blind, right?

LEMON: No.

[slight pause]

KURT (off-camera): I thought that was when someone threw lye in your eyes.

LEMON: Naw, dat wuz Blind Willie Johnson. Ah din' go blind till a few yea's ago.

KURT (off-camera): Oh. Uh, how did that happen?

LEMON: Well, Ah wuz playin' in New Yoke, at dis lesbian blues bar call "De Hole in One". Ah wuz backstage lookin' fo' de restroom. Ah accident'leh walk inteh Sandra Bernhardt's dressin' room, an' der she wuz nekkid wit' Cindy Lauper. Ah went blind in a heartbeat. An' b'leeve me, dat ain't de las' thing y' wanna see afo' y' go blind. But it wuz wo'th it t' neveh see dat again.

KURT: No argument here. Now, when you were younger, you started to play guitar and kazoo at fishing camps for money.

LEMON: Dat's raht; Ah learn early on dat mah playin' were so bad dat Ah could make a bit a' moneh by playin' den havin' folks pay me t' leave. 'Cose, afteh a bit a practice, Ah got t' be okay, an' people wuz payin' me t' play at dainces an' sing de nashnul anthum f' hockey games. Yeah, when Ah started t' git paid t' play 'stead u' not playin', dat were a big turnin' point in mah careeh. But Ah weren't playin' no blues back den. I hain't neveh hea'd it befo' Ah were 'bout nahn u' so. Mos'leh Ah wuz playin' f' chu'ch meetin's an' ahs cream so-shuls an' lahk dat. Den one day some feller name u' Charlie Patton came inteh deh camp. Say he's from Miss-sippeh. Say he play de blues fer a livin', an' were jes up in Wescawnsun t' make a reco'd. Well, none us folk neveh hea'd de blues afo', but den dat Misteh Patton, he begin t' play his sawng Bo Weevil Done Ate My Woman Blues, an' sud'nleh Ah knew what Ah wanna do wit mah lahf. Ah knew dey was risk, but even bah d' age u' nahn Ah knew dat Ah din wanna be no bait boy f' d' res' u' mah lahf. So Misteh Patton taught me a few a dem codes [Chords] an' tol' me 'bout playin' de blues an' rahdin' de blahnds on' de Il-noy Centrul an' so on. Ah knew dat Ah had foun' mah fate.

KURT: So, what happened after that?

LEMON: Well, Momma din't lahk it. She went 'round sayin' Ah were a-playin' de Devil's music, but Ah din't b'leave her.

KURT (off-camera): So you don't think that the blues is Devil's music?

LEMON: Naw. No one what eveh heard a Kenny G album could think that. Enne-way, Momma din't lahk dis he'e music, till she re-lahzed Ah were bringin' home mo' moneh from playin' de blues two days a week at de local Elks Lodge an' dese li'l hole-in-de-wall jukes dan Ah did from farmin' an' sellin' bait de whole week. Lahk Ah sed, Momma were a good woman, but she know de value of a dollah. Onleh cuppla years afteh dat, dat Ellen Lorax come through town, reco'din' stuff f' de National Association f' de Advancement u' Caucasian People.

KURT: Oh, these were her legendary field recordings of white folk musicians.

LEMON: Dat's raht; she toll me she made dese reco'din's in fish'n' camps, mayonaisse fac-trees, an' countreh clubs.

KURT (off-camera): But why has your name never been listed as one of the musicians she recorded?

LEMON: Wail, Ah tay ye, we had a bit u' trouble when Ah were reco'din' on dem big wax discs. Wahl Ah wuz reco'din' Walleye Blues, a big ol' gahteh snake come up an' slud raht atween her feet. Wail, po' ol' Ellen, she look down an' see dat snake, an she a city gal, neveh live in de countreh, so she din't know dat de snake weren't poiznuss. She screamed lahk Ah ain't neveh hea'd, an' pro-ceed t' kick an' daince an' trah t' kill dat po' snake. Wail, whahl she were a kickin' roun' lahk dat, she knocked over her reco'din' machine an' it broke, 'long wit' all dem wax disks. Fahnelleh she took off runnin'. Afteh we caught up wit' her in No'th D'kota, she calmed down a bit an' promised t' come back t' reco'd me agin, but she neveh did show up. Ah din't let it get me too down, dough, coz Ah figyed she jes' feareda dat snake.

KURT: It was just a short time later that you hit the road as a musician.

LEMON: Yeah, Ah figyed dat if Ah were good nuff f' dem fishin' folk an' dem field reco'din's, den Ah otta be good nuff t' be a real musician. So Ah hit de road in de twennies.

KURT (off-camera): That's where you met your longtime partner Little Mississippi Pinetop Johnson.

LEMON: Yeah, ol' Pinetop an' me, we haid us a tahm, boy. Neveh made too much moneh, but man did we have us a tahm. Yoosta play dem clubs, get a few bucks in our pockets, peoples buyin' us food an' givin' us dat corn likkeh, den ridin' de blahnds on de next train out. Now Pinetop, he were a barrelhouse blues pianah playeh, bes' 88 man Ah eveh did hear. One tahm Pinetop an' me, we were playin' in Indy, musta been back in '27 or '28. We were playin' at dis juke joint down on Indiana Avenue. We step outsahd f' a coupla minutes to git a breath u' fresh air. Pinetop, he cain't breathe too good, an' playin' in dem smoke-filled juke joints all dem yeahs probly what kill him back in '33. Enneway, we wuz just there takin' a break, an' who come a-walkin' down de street but Leroy Carr and Scrapper Blackwell. Now, dis wuz raht afteh dey made dat song How Long How Long Blues. [sings] "How long, baby, how long/Has dat ev'nin' train been gone/how long, how long, baby how long" [speaks] Helluva song, dat. Leroy an' Scrapper were de mos' pop'lar men in de blues back den, afteh Ma Rainey, so me an' Pinetop wanted to innerduce ourselve', jes t' let 'em know we lahk dey music, yunnerstan. Well, dey jes walk raht pass us lahk we wuzn't even dere, yellin' at each otheh, havin' dis big ol' arg'ment.

KURT (off-camera): Do you remember what they were arguing about?

LEMON: Yeah, day was goin' on an' on 'bout de ontological properties of Martin Luther or some such nonsense. It made me sad t' hear dat, man. I mean, dey wuz jes' deep inta dat stuff. He'e dey were, wit' dis great blues reck-ed, got de worl' at dey fingehtips, an' dey was blowin' dey brains out wit' ph'los'phy. A shame, son, a cryin' shame. Dat's whah Ah stuck to corn likkeh. Folks know how t' hep ya quit dat if ya get hooked, but dat ph'los'phy, man, dat's worse 'n' daytime tv. It'll tu'n yo' brain t' mush. An' it kilt ol' Leroy.

KURT (off-camera): But Carr died in the mid-30s from alcoholism.

LEMON: Well, dat's what dey say, but Scrapper tol' me once dat when day found po' Leroy's bodeh, he were covehed wit all dese papehs 'bout Kant an' Nietzche. [Shakes head.] Nietzche, man. De guy was just too deep inta de stuff.

KURT: It must have been shortly after that when you made your first records with Pinetop.

LEMON: Dassraht, me 'n' Pinetop reco'ded fo' songs f' Okie reco'ds in June u' twenneh-nahn, den eight mo' in Joo-ly. Y'see, Leroy an' Scrapper were so pop'lar, other comp'nies were lookin' f' blues duos. Dat's whah dey let us make dem twelve songs. None of 'em sold too much, but afteh dat, people heard u' us. We could get mo' gigs an' make mo' moneh each tahm we play. Dey wuz some wahld tahms, boy.

KURT: What one incident do you remember most?

LEMON: We wuz in Chicago, an' Ah got inta dis backroom pokeh game wit' Ray Chahles, Blind Blake, and Stevie Wondeh. We din't wanna use no braille cards, since de dealeh would know what ever'one had, so we jes use reg-lur cards. Well, Blake an' Ah got inteh a faht. He claim he had fo' kings, but Ah knew he were lyin' an' onleh had a pair u' fahvs. 'Cose, none u' us could prove nothin', so we got inteh a big ol' faht an' de cops had t' come in.

KURT (off-camera): So those were good times, in spite of all the hardships?

LEMON: Yeah, dey sho' was. 'Cose, dey din't las' too long. Raht afteh dat, de depression hit, an' it were tough f' us t' get gigs t'getheh, since dey have t' pay two of us 'stead a jes one. So Pinetop an' me split up an' went our own way. Ah kep' movin' 'bout de South an' Midwes' but Pinetop, he go back t' his hometown.

KURT (off-camera): That was down in the Delta area of Mississippi, right?

LEMON: Naw, Pinetop come from Ogallala, Nebraska.

KURT (off-camera): Ogallala?! Then why did he call himself "Mississippi"?

LEMON: Damned if Ah know. Ah think it mighta been some kinda tax dodge.

KURT: Now, if I remember correctly, The Depression forced you to work as a common laborer because nobody had money to pay bluesmen.

LEMON: Das raht. Ah din't fahnd no blues wo'k f' 'bout fi'teen months in 'thutty-two an' thutty-three. Ah had t' take enneh sote u' job jes t' keep m'se'f from starvin'.

KURT (off-camera): What kind of jobs did you have?

LEMON: I wo'ked layin' rail fer a railroad. Picked cotton in Miss'sippi an' wo'ked milkin' horses on dis strange dairy farm outsahd a' O Clare. Hell, tahms was so bad Ah wuz even an accountant f' a month. Ah thought "Man, Lemon, you done hit bottom now." But raht den Ah had a chaince t' play at dis juke joint back in Minnie-ap'lis call de Musky Leech. Ah spent some tahm dere, playin' f' tips an' a coupla bucks a naht. De money weren't all dat great, but it kep' a roof over m' head. Ah tay yeh, afteh playin' at de Musky Leech f' eighteen months, Ah was a much betteh playeh. An cose, dat's where Ah got Mojo.

KURT (off-camera): Mojo?

LEMON: Mojo, dat mah dawg. [Reaches down and pets the stuffed dog.] He been wit me eveh since, aincha, boy? Yep, Mojo jes folleh me home one day afteh a gig, and he been wit' me eveh since.

KURT (off-camera): But if he was your pet dog back then, he must be over sixty by now.

LEMON (still petting dog): Well, he ain't active like he useta be.

KURT: Oooooo-kay. In late 1935, you began recording again, this time as a solo artist.

LEMON: Das raht; Ah made 'bout twenneh sawngs f' Marshall Law. He own Chicken Chokin' Reco'ds. F' 'bout' three days, Ah made dese reco'din's in dis li'l hotel room in Dallas.

[Cut to a music critic. He's a pompous little queen typical of the music press. If you can find a feather boa, have him wear it.]

V/KURT: Music critic and choreographer Priscilla Desert.

CRITIC (in a very camp tone): Well, I think that the time Blind Lemon Meringue thpent at The Muthky Leech canNOT be overrated, Love. In hith early recordingth, there ith a very primitive, raw, butch thound in hith muthic. But even then, one can hear the element-th that would make him tho, tho popular: the thenthitivity, the poetry, the dekthtrouth way he plucked thothe thtringth! Oh, Hon, Lemon made Judie Garland theem like a piker. Thothe thongth read like a litht of the betht blueth of the decade. Why, there'th Interthection Blueth; Mare'th Foal Blueth; Hellcat on My Path; Me and That Thweetie Thatan; and of courthe the FAB-ulouth Little Queen of Heartth, which wath later thtolen by Juithe Newton, that witch.

[Cut back to Lemon's apartment.]

KURT: The songs you cut for Chicken Chokin' really changed things.

LEMON: Yeah, afteh dem reco'ds, ever-thin' took off. Ah wuz in Memphis raht afteh dey come out an' met dis hye'e slahd guitar playeh who jes had dat mojo wo'kin' fo' him. Dis kid could play an' sing lahk no one Ah eveh hear play. Trouble was, he weren't playin' nuttin' but Celtic folk tunes, and dey weren't dat many sandalistas on Beale Street back den. Dere weren't no NPR lahk we got t'day, y'know. So dis kid were good, man, but weren't no one lis'nen' to him. I told him "Robert, Ah'm gonna do Mrs. Johnson a big faveh an' teach you de blues." So Ah taught Robert Johnson how to play de blues, an' he stole dem songs from me an' become famous. Now, afteh Robert wuz dead 'bout a year, some reco'd folk come looking for him. Co'se, he couldn't make no reco'ds cause he were dead. Now I know dat neveh stop Elvis when he were playin' Vegas, but Robert had integerteh, he wouldn't return from no grave. So dese folk come an' ask me to reco'd for 'em. Ah did, but Ah din't lahk bein' no Robert sub-stute, specialleh afteh he stole all dem songs from me, yunnerstan. But den a dolleh is a dolleh, so I made some reco'ds fo' 'em. Jes a few months afteh dem sev-ty-eights come out, Ah were playin' in dis juke joint in Paducah, of all places. John Hammondeggs, dat reco'd gah wit' Columbia, come round lookin' f' me an' Robert. When he found out Robert's dead, he ask me t' come back t' New Yoke wit 'im f' dis big concert he plannin' featurin' de best u' all whaht music, called From Gospel to Grunge. Ah come on raht afteh Bing Crosby an' befo' Rosemary Cluny. Yep, afteh dat, Ah got mo' reco'd deals an' mo' gigs an' Ah knew what t' do with.

KURT (off-camera): That was the period where you made your classic recordings for Stun records in Memphis.

LEMON: Yessuh, Ah reco'ded dem great songs f' Phillip Samms in dat li'l studio on Union Avenue. Made a bunch a reco'ds de'e. Co'se, Misteh Samms, he jes act as a middle man, y'see, reco'din' us f' otheh reco'd comp'nies. Most uh mah songs from back den showed up on Vocation Reco'ds, but some showed up on Black an' Whaht, too. Yep, me an' T-Bone Walkeh kept dat Black an' Whaht label in bidness f' yea's. Yeah, dey were all sorts u' blues folk in Memphis back den. Ah played backup kazoo on a bunch of Howlin' Wolf's first songs. B.B. King, whah, Ah trahd t' teach him t' play slahd guitar. But poor ol' B.B., he had dang big hands and fingehs. Fahnalleh we jes give up, an' he played bah bendin' dem strings to get a kinda slahd effect outta Lucille. Mos' people say dat's a great innovation, but B.B. jes got frustrated one day an' trahd bendin' dem strings.

KURT (off-camera): Lucille? Who's Lucille?

LEMON: Lucille's his guitar, y' big dummeh! Heck, I know you jes' a dumb rock journalis', but yotta know dat! Heck, yotta at leas' member dem McDonald's commercials he did.

KURT: Oh, right. Now, how did you wind up on Backgammon Records?

LEMON: Leonard Backgammon won me in a euchre game.

KURT (off-camera): In a euchre game? How did THAT happen?

LEMON: Well, lahk Ah said, Phillip Samms were reco'din' lottsa blues folk: me, Howlin' Wolf, B.B. King, Junior Parker, Debbie Reynolds, ... he din't have no label hisself at dat tahm, he jes reco'd folk an' lease de sawngs out t' uddeh reco'd labels. Whahl, in de fo'tehs, afteh de war, Ah wuz reco'ding' f' Misteh Samms, an' mah sawngs were on Black an' Whaht Reco'ds. Afteh Black an' Whaht went belly-up, Misteh Samms were tryin' t' get me on Pacific Reco'ds. Dey was makin' lots a moneh wit' Ray Charles, who were a poker playin' buddeh u' mahn. But dey had Big Joe Turner f' day token bluesman, so dey weren't gonna sahn me up. So Misteh Samms, he lahk mah music. He rilleh lahk dat sawng Ah did f' Black an' Whaht, Velveeta Boogie. So he start sendin' mah tapes t' lotsa labels in fitteh-one an' fitteh-two. One of 'em went t' Leonard Backgammon up in Chicago, anuddeh went t' Mitch Miller at Columbia. Now Mitch, he don't lahk no blues or jazz, no-suh, he din't lahk dat one bit. Heck, Mitch were too busy wit' dat "Sing along wit' Mitch" crap t' know a good beat if it hit him in de face wit' a wet carp. Mitch din't even want Frank Sinatra around, but Ah kin respect him f' dat. Enneway, John Hammondeggs were still at Columbia back den. He were de gah who got me on dat show u' his, From Gospel t' Grunge back in de late thutties. Wahl, John were a big fan u' mah music, but he din't know Ah were still alahv, y'see. He hear dat Ah were shot an' killed in a crap game wit' Blind Willie McTell, but when he found out Ah were still livin', he come t' Memphis t' sahn me up. In deh meantahm, Leonard Backgammon had sahned a contrac' wit' Misteh Samms so Ah'd onleh reco'd f' Backgammon Reco'ds. Wail, dey were a bit of a tussle, when someone mention lawyehs. John an' Leonard, dey sharp bidnessmen, dey din't want no shystehs comin' in, so dey decide t' hold a contest t' see who got me undeh contract. Leonard Backgammon an' his brutheh Phil played John Hammondeggs an' Mitch Miller in dis cutthroat game u' euchre, bes' two outta three. Misteh Samms were dere t' make sure dere weren't no cheatin' or table-talkin'. Phil Backgammon kep' gettin' off-aces all day long, so dat's how Ah wound up at Backgammon Reco'ds wit Muddy Watehs an' Howlin' Wolf. [pause] Y'know, mah reco'ds on Backgammon neveh did sell too well, but it kep me in de bidness, kep me in gigs till de earleh sixtehs. An' it give me a place in blues histreh. Y'see, me an' John Lee Hooker's 'bout de onleh two fellahs lef' from dat tahm. Oh, Ah know dat B.B.'s still 'round, but he rilleh come a muse-cul gen'raytion afteh me an' John Lee. But if it weren't f' me playin' on Backgammon, Ah don't know if you music people be comin' roun' t' see me. [chuckles] Cose, Ah don't know if dat's good or bad.

KURT: The years at Backgammon were among your most frustrating.

LEMON: Yeah, dey were. Made a lotta reco'ds, man, tons of 'em. An' good un's, too. Willie Dixon, Muddy, Wolf, Little Walter, dey come t' me an' say "Man, Lemon, you doin' good stuff. Wah cain't you git y'sef a hit?" Ah say "Man, if Ah knew dat, Ah'd change what wuz wrong an' git me a hit." [chuckles] Yeah, did some damn good sawngs back in de fiftehs. De onleh place where dem reco'ds sold ennethin' a-tall were oveh in England. So back in Sixteh, de blues weren't such a big deal no mo'; people buyin' soul music, y'see, an' dey weren't too menneh places t' play de blues no mo'. So me an' Sonny Boy Williamson, we decide t' go oveh t' London. Dem British boys, man, dey love de blues, but dey cou'n't quaht play it raht.

KURT (off-camera): Why not?

LEMON: Dey suck. Outsahd u' Chahlie Watts, day ain't neveh been a gah from England wit' enneh sorta rhythm. Hell, Clapton's got dis li'l 'lectronic doohickey dat de doctors put in his brain so he keep a beat. Hell, jes lissen to 'im on dem ol' Yardbirds sawngs. He cou'n't keep tahm wit' a stopwatch afo' dat sur-jreh. Yessuh, dem fellahs oveh dehe hear de REAL blues, an' dey wanna play dat. Dat's whah Ah became such a legend. [chuckle] Ah taught mosta dem kids how t' play de blues. Problem is dat most of 'em jes cain't do it raht t' save dey lahvs.

KURT: Did you enjoy touring Europe?

LEMON: Naw, man, dat place smell, dey don't pay y' 'nuff t' rilleh make it wo'thwhahl, an' de food ain't dat good. Besahds, Wolf put it bes: he say dat de USA is de bes' place t' be, cause he'e dey letcha do watcha want. Dey's a lotta people in Europe who wouldn't let me be a bluesman.

KURT (off-camera): Um, could that be because of, um, well, your skin color?

LEMON: Whatcha mean?

[momentary pause]

KURT (off-camera): Um, well, you ARE white, aren't you?

LEMON: Well how de hell should Ah know? Ah'm blahnd, y'ijjit, Ah cain't see what colleh mah skin is. Dang Librels, alwehs tryin' t' put labels on me.

KURT (off-camera): Look, I'm just asking--

LEMON: Well stop repressin' me, y' dang Nazi. You jes as bad as dem dang French, 'cep' you smell betteh. But y'see, dat jes shows ye. Ah always trahd t' live mah lahf lahk Ah thought Ah should. Now, Momma and Daddeh, dey raise me raht. Dey taught all us kids how t' behave. I din't neveh kill nobodeh, do drugs, read ph'los'phy, or vote Libertarian. Yessuh, dey raise me raht. Ah jes do what Ah b'leeve's raht an' not lissen t' dem bad, evil folk lahk politishuns, lawyuhs, advehtahzin' folk, or preaceh's kids.

KURT: What do you think your legacy is?

LEMON: Jes ask 'em. Go on, you fahnd out what dey say. Dey tell ye, Ah'm de man, Ah'm de one dey wanted t' play lahk. Go on, ask 'em!

VOICE OF KURT: So we did.

[For the next part: if you can get stock footage of any of these people and superimpose the voices, that would be great. If you can't do that, all of you should take on the various roles with the names superimposed. If you can't do THAT, have Kurt do voiceovers. For example, for the first one, Kurt would do a quick voiceover saying "Mick Jagger", then "Mick" would speak. Also, if you guys are going to do these roles yourselves, make absolutely no effort to look like the person, unless it is an obviously bad imitation; for example, having huge wax lips for Mick Jagger.]

[Cut to:]

MICK JAGGER: He's the best the'e is. I mean, The Rolling Stones wanted to be a polka band until we hea'd Blind Lemon Meringue.

[Cut to:]

GARTH BROOKS: I studied music because I wanted to grow up to play like Blind Lemon Meringue.

[Cut to:]

RONALD REAGAN: Well, um, uh ... I don't recall.

[Cut to:]

SHERYL CROWE (eating an ice cream cone): He's a great musician and a real gentleman. He's the only guy in the music business who helped me without demanding oral sex.

[Cut to:]

KURT COBAIN: When I heard his songs, I realized mine just sucked, so I killed myself.

[Cut to:]

MELISSA ETHERIDGE: Oh, I love his music. I want mine to have the same effect on women.

[Cut to:]

DUKE TUMATOE: Blind Lemon Meringue? ... Um, no, never heard of him.

[Cut to:]

MYRON ZINDERFLOSS: Lemon is the best ever, man!

WALLY WANKER: Yeah, he's our biggest influence!

[Cut to: a close-up of a skull held in someone's hands. One hand holds it up, the other moves the jaw, and a silly voice is heard to say.]

STEVIE RAY VAUGHN: He taught me everything I know about blues guitar and helicopter repair.

[Cut back to Lemon's apartment.]

KURT: What do you see as your place in musical history?

LEMON: Ah am de man. Ah am it. Ah influenced all dem what din't steal from me outraht. Ah did. Howlin' Wolf, he took dat moanin' an' growlin' from me. Ah told ya 'bout Robert Johnson. Ah taught Muddy everthin' he knew 'bout de blues. Chuck Berry stole "Maybelliene" from me. Dem Beatles, dey come oveh t' America jes t' steal all dey could. Ah tought dem ungrateful punks ever'thin' dey know. Whah, Ah even taught --

[At this point, Lemon's wife, Margaret, begins to yell for him from off-camera. She speaks with a Minnewegian accent.]

MARGARET (off-camera): Horace?

LEMON: erm, uh, whah, Ah even taught de Rollin'--

MARGARET (off-camera): Horace?

LEMON: Uh, Ah taught de Rollin' Stones how t' play de--

MARGARET (off-camera): Horace!

LEMON (yelling): What?!

MARGARET (off-camera): Did you remember we're going to play bridge with the Torkelsens tonight?

LEMON (yelling): Yeah!

MARGARET (off-camera): I'm getting ready for to start the supper. Do you want lutefisk with your bologna sammiches?

LEMON (yelling): Ah ain't eatin' none u' dat! Git me some ribs an' chit'lin's!

MARGARET (off-camera): What are you talking about, and why are you speaking in that strange voice? If I didn't know any better,-- [Walks on-camera] Oh, THERE you are! Now, should I make potato pahn-kooken and-- [Notices Kurt and "us"] Oh, hello! Horace, are these friends of yours?

KURT (off-camera): Uh, Ma'am, we're making a documentary about the great blues career of Blind Lemon Meringue.

MARGARET: What are you talking abo-- Horace! You haven't been lying to musicoligists again, have you?

LEMON (now speaking in Chris' normal voice): Uh, well, uh, ...

MARGARET: Horace! [Turning to Kurt] I'm sorry, he does this sometimes since the accident. Last month a German documentary crew came and he had them convinced he was Miles Davis.

KURT (off-camera): What!?

MARGARET: Oh, yes. It got so bad we had to move from Duluth. Didn't you notice he's not even old?

KURT (off-camera): Okay, that's it! Benny, shut it off! We're outta here!

LEMON: I just wanted to feel important!

MARGARET: Let me get you some kringle, dear, you'll feel better.

[End sketch amid chaos of "Benny" shutting things down]